Just getting started...

I really haven't ever been one for oversharing on the internet, but given the circumstances I thought it would be easiest to keep friends and family updated on my journey all at once. My close friends know that I have always been more of a private person and do not like to show weakness. I don't have a choice now about being vulnerable to the world because I am raw, I am hurting and I am terrified. I will need my friends and family more than I ever have in my entire life. I am forced to ask for help as I can't go it alone and who would want to!?!

Almost a month ago, I was diagnosed with a type of benign brain tumor called an acoustic neuroma (AN). Seriously, who finds out they have a brain tumor while they are pregnant!?! It is surreal knowing that I have this little life growing inside of me while this tumor is also growing trying to threaten my life.

Mine is one of the large ones. I guess I don't really do things halfway...even tumors. ANs are benign tumors and for this I am grateful. But benign tumor in the brain does not mean without consequence. It will require a long, technically demanding surgery that will leave me completely deaf in my left ear. Due to the tumor size, I am limited in the approaches that the surgeons can take. The approach we are going with gives me the best chance of preserving left sided facial function. (great info at www.anausa.org and www.houseearclinic.com) Most importantly, I have found a wonderful surgical team in LA. So shortly after the baby comes, we will make the pilgrimage to LA for 2 weeks as I have surgery and start to recover. Recovery is different for everyone, but my little guy will be extra incentive to heal quickly.

I am blessed to have the most amazing husband to hold my hand through this journey. God knew what he was doing when he chose Michael for my husband. I couldn't make it through this without him...I am a better person because of him. Some days I feel like we've crammed 40 years of marriage into 4. I often think back to our wedding day and wonder if someday we could be that couple again....you know free of worry and unimpeded dreams for our future. But I wouldn't change how strong we have grown as a couple. I love him more every day.

I also have such supportive parents. I know it can't be easy watching their child suffer. They raised me to be a strong and independant woman...but I will ALWAYS need my mom and dad. Mom is coming to LA with us to help take care of the baby and Dad will be watching our furry babies at home.

To my wonderful friends...thank you. Thank you for reaching out with emails, texts and phonecalls. I am so sorry that it has taken me awhile to respond. It is just so exhausting for me to retell my story and to go through emotional journey with each of you that mean so much to me. But please know it means the world to me to hear from you and hear words of encouragement. It keeps me going...truly. I am humbled by the outpouring of support from both likely and unexpected places. Its unfortunate of circumstances to have this kind of revelation, but I believe that it is God's way of reminding me that I am blessed despite this life challenge directly in my path.

To be quite honest, as many of you know, conceiving a child was extremely difficult for us. The tragedy of losing our little girl will haunt me forever. We were about to start IVF last fall, when I found out we were finally pregnant again. I took a pregnancy test just to be safe before starting the heavy hormones necessary for IVF. I felt like I was witnessing a miracle when that test turned positive. I do know that these experiences allow me to appreciate the miracle of life more than 99% of the population. My little man has no idea how much he is loved and wanted already! So when I start to go off into a dark place of self pity I try to remind myself of how I felt that day when I learned we were expecting...extremely lucky and blessed.

I am not going to lie, it was really hard to get out of bed for awhile. I was feeling immense sadness and fear. But I have now come to the realization that I own my attitude. I need to stay positive and embrace the present. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed for any of us. So my new motto is to live a life worth saving. Right now I need to focus on the health of my baby. He is my priority. I may get beat up a little, but I will do what it takes to make sure his life starts out on the right foot. Who would have ever thought I would be learning to take my first steps again just months before he does :)

I know I am getting long winded, but this blog will also be my own therapy for dealing with the flood of emotions I don't know what to do with. I will stop by as I have any updates, so check back if you so desire. It is easier for me to put it all out here at once...

So my love to all of you reading this...hang on tight! Here we go...Me vs. Brain Tumor....I win!